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“Just” a survivor?

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I have been working with Ann Evanston, Warrior-Preneur for the last few months.  She is an incredible coach and social networking strategist.  Anyway, part of the process is figuring out WHO you are, not just WHAT you do—literally the first third of the training is focused on this, even before you get to the actual social networking! I have to say, it was *tough*, and adding to the fact that I have been going through what author Brene Brown calls an “unraveling” around my last milestone birthday, it was quite emotional and a little gut wrenching. But good, I promise, all good!

So, one of the exercises was focused on getting who you are into one succinct statement. It took me about a week and a half to wrap my brain around what I wanted to say. I had to shut the whole thing down at one point and go back to my strategy I used when writing term papers in college: I pushed as much raw information into my brain about what needed to be included in the final product, then completely disconnected from it for a few days. When I felt like it had percolated enough in there, I sat down with a pen and paper and voila, there it was, already written. (And before you ask, No, I will not be telling my kids about this strategy, even though it resulted in many A-graded papers!)

What did I find on the page?  I am a survivor of the body wars, an archaeologist of beauty, and a creative soul bent on using my lens to redefine sexy. Yeah, I thought, that about covers it.  The next step was to call a girlfriend and run the whole thing by her. She stopped me before I even got to the end. “Hey, why are you just a ‘survivor’ of the body wars?  I’d like to see you as a conqueror of the body wars.”  Interesting question—but the word was not accidental…

As the owner of a photography studio dedicated to women, I am blessed to witness a major transformation of self esteem and the way my clients *see* themselves after a portrait session with me.   It is one of the most gratifying experiences of my life. I receive emails, letters and phone calls from women who have a totally different relationship with their bodies than they had before they walked into my studio.  My greatest hope is that the new feeling lasts, and that these beautiful women can pay it forward to other women and especially their daughters.

Still, there are some days I experience self doubt, and I know my clients still will, as much as I hope their portraits give them a barrier against it. You know, those days I don’t want to leave the house because of a big ol’ pimple or not fitting in the outfit I really wanted to wear…I hear that familiar voice in my head that’s been there since I was about 8 years old screeching, “You look horrible, fat, nobody will want to talk to you, etc., etc., etc.”  Most of the time, I can talk back to it (her), tell it (her) to shut up, to go away and it (she) usually does. Other days, though not as frequently as I used to, it (she) wins and I end up at the bottom of that pit most of us women have sat in–questioning my self worth, my beauty in this society, how I measure up.   Until I can silence it completely, or it is no more than a dull white noise, I will consider myself a survivor and not a quite conqueror.  Still, I consider it forward-motion.  Being a survivor is so much better than a victim, don’t you think?

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10 Comments

  1. Pat Zahn February 21, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    Jillian – I really like that you shared something so personal. Undoubtedly, getting women to open up and show themselves on a personal level is much easier if they get to know you. I think being a survivor means you are strong.

    Pat Zahn, Photo Solutions Superhero

  2. Kristen Kancler February 22, 2011 at 1:26 am

    This is beautiful, Jillian. Your statement is strong and powerful – I got goose bumps reading it! Thank you for sharing this part of you and your amazing, empowering gift of what you do.

  3. Anonymous February 22, 2011 at 5:51 am

    Great post! We are all surviving (even the runway models!) sometimes we conquer and other times we fake it til we make it. But we’re moving forward as you say. I love how open and honest you are…we’ve all been there and can truly relate and “feel your pain”. I wish you were on the east coast…I’d come for a photo shoot:) Coming east anytime soon?!?!?!

  4. Jillian Todd February 22, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Thanks so much for stopping by, Rita, and for your kind comments. I will be traveling East sometime between May and October. Where are you located?

  5. Jillian Todd February 22, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Thank you so much, Kristen, I appreciate your comments. I hope I can continue to reach and heal women everywhere.

  6. Jillian Todd February 22, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Thank you, Pat, yes, we have to be strong to survive. I think knowing we share the same pain makes it easier to open up to each other. xoxo

  7. Karen Penfold February 22, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    HI Jillian, I know those voices, I hear them too, their comments are different, but I understand how they have shut down who we are, our voice, our truth. I don’t know you, yet I hear your voice and your truth coming through loud and clear. Congratulations!

  8. Jennifer Duchene February 22, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Jillian it takes courage to put these words out to the world. Necessary steps on the road to Conquerer no doubt. Being a survivor is certainly something to be proud of. I salute your courage and your words. No beast is vanquished without the roar.

    Jennifer Duchene
    Home Makeover Mixtress blending Lifestyle and Laughter
    http;//LYShome.com

  9. Jillian Todd February 23, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Thanks so much, Jennifer, for stopping by and for your support! I really appreciate your insight, will continue to roar!

  10. Jillian Todd February 23, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Thank you, Karen! Will continue to write my truth and hope to send out a change in how we women see ourselves.

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