Thanks for coming back for this little jaunt. What occurred to me is probably what most of you already do (or maybe I’m not the only one?), I can say NO. I can say, No, I can’t drive all over the place every time we get together. No, I can’t talk right now. No, I can’t take care of both kids by myself while I’m injured, you’ll have to call in sick to help me. No, I can’t do __________ right now, I have to finish a project I am working on. No. Simple No.
A word I have used on myself a million gazillion times. No, I can’t do that because it’ll make someone upset. No, I shouldn’t say that because even though it’s the truth, it will hurt his or her feelings and then they won’t like me anymore. No, no, no, no.
I have come to not just realize, but to practice this: if a friendship or a business relationship is predicated upon me being a doormat all the time, or even 1% of the time, it is not worth it. I am worth more. I can ask for more. It doesn’t matter if I get it or not, it is the simple act of asking for what I need. It is the simple act of believing that I deserve the same respect and care as anyone else. It is pure vulnerability, pure openness and truth telling.
The biggest YES I have given myself is the yes to photography. The yes to my passion. The yes to my purpose. And that is the lynchpin in every other yes I am experiencing now.
Have you seen what I’ve seen the last few weeks in social media, particularly Facebook? At least once a day, I see friends and clients posting status updates that play along the same theme: worth, an abandonment of drama, realization that they have a choice in who and what they spend their resources on. These posts are garnering a lot of attention and re-posting from their friends. It is incredible to watch.
People are declaring their own worth, the worth of their family time, the worth of their love, the worth of their hard labor by deciding what and how much to spend of their precious selves. Are you experiencing the same thing? Are you changing how you spend your time and who you spend it with? What are you telling yourself “yes” about now? I’d love to hear YOUR stories.
23 Comments
Jillian, I recently had to take “me” back from the world. Although a painful process at times, it was worth it. I can only describe it as: a sense of growing up, being able to breathe deeply, feeling alone but okay with it, in charge of my life, looking forward to each day with more joy, and able to enjoy those around me in a more open manner. It’s okay to say, “no”, and it’s okay not to include an apologetic story full of excuses and explanations. Naturally, with my dad in my head, I will always say it in a polite and kind manner. When someone let me down, I try to move on quickly; ranting, spreading it around, and endlessly discussing will not make it go away. It is how we choose to handle it. I choose to learn, accept, and move on.
Jillian,
I’m one of those bloggers that talks about being enough and that we are worthy of our dreams. I just wrote a post titled Until You Love You…
I invite you to check it out… http://www.alaracastell.com/until-you-love-you/
Thanks for sharing your own experiences.
Alara K. Castell
Your Sassy Spiritual Guide
Jillian – YES, I am one of those people. The transformation for me has been very recently when I decided to give up Direct Sales and re-focus on what I am best at – telling stories about being a WAHM, an entrepreneur and now a Blogging Coach. YES to investing myself in a six-month program to really monetize my work with my mentor and coach. YES to my little voice that says, “enough you people who do not accept or “get” the new me.” (who is not really new, but emerging again stronger and more directed than before.) I so get what you are saying and am very glad you continue to show the real you in your blogs. Your beautiful photography speaks for itself – but only YOU and speak about you!
I feel like once you get on your path (follow your passion) a lot of the other issues fall away. You become more secure and begin to attract people with no drama and who are more beneficial influences. I notice that the people who are on their path tend to be low drama. All that drama comes from being deeply unsatisfied. I believe that we remain positive, our life becomes so and the people around us nourish us rather than bring us down. Thanks for posting.
I agree that this is a hot topic, and I think there are a lot of blog posts written about becoming more effective with the word “no”! (I’ve written some myself) Part of life is managing those boundaries–time, energy–and figuring out what to give and what to keep for ourselves. All topics I enjoy exploring.
Judy Stone-Goldman
The Reflective Writer
“My cat owns me, my clutter stymies me, my writing frees me. Word maven loves—and learns from—ordinary life.”
http://www.thereflectivewriter.com/blog/
I loved this! I hope that you consider me a friend who is willing to accept those things in you. Who will excitedly learn about what your needs are and how we can fulfill them together, who will champion you, and who will gladly give to you because that’s what we do when we love people. If not, then show me how I can get there, because that’s my goal!
Thank you for calling out all of those posts on facebook that are evangelizing the transformation to drama-free, positive and affirming lives. I will look with new eyes to see more of it. Keep charging forward and declaring your needs, Jill, those of us who love you will not be daunted, but will be enlightened. In reality, when we love someone, we’re always eager to learn how to love them BETTER!
For over 10 years I was a stay at home mom, with the last 3 being very intense having a micropreemie to take care of 24/7. This past year I said “yes” to myself when I opened up a home tutoring business. I see my strong leadership qualities reappearing as I successfully direct my business. I feel a swagger that I haven’t had in years. Yes, it feels good.
I am with you! Hear you loud and clear…and love what you are doing with your photography! Just wish you were east coast…lol! I digress. Being a wahm, taking care of near triplets at times has felt like it was sucking the life out of me…seriously…but I’ve always hung on (with help)…and althought I am not good at saying NO to those I hold near and dear, I am better than I was…back in the day! There are many times and things I should have said NO to/about…but its the past and you move on…learning and preparing for the next time…to be ready and willing to say NO…and it actually feels good…lol! I am worth it, need it, and deserve it! Having 4 kids, some with special needs early on, made it easier, and forced me to re-prioritize my life…my family and my dreams……which I feel I taking control of now! Its ME time:) This blog is a perfect reminder to all of us…that its OK to say NO…and value YOU (me)! Thanks:)
Rita Brennan Freay
@Rita4kids
ritabrennanfreay.com
I love what you wrote her and am so grateful you said yes to photography. You have such a gift! I finally said no to full time work – working outside the home for a dreadful boss and “retired.” Now I can work at what I want, what excites me and makes me happy. And I can take time off when I want to vacation, to see my grandchildren. This is the time of my life!
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://www.susan-berland.com
I see it everywhere – particularly amongst us women entrepreneurs (who ARE going to save the world – Dalai Lama). I see women stepping into their power, taking control of their lives, facing their fears and becoming leaders! I’m proud to say that I am one of those women and, not only do I intend to stay on this path, I now get to help other women through coaching on SNCC – and in future with workshops and events. I love it! And I have become VERY good at saying No! So glad you have too!
Louise Edington
Facing Fears For Freedom Over Fifty
http://louiseedington.com
Fabulous inspiration! I either feel as though I am constantly saying no or overly saying yes — does that make sense? I agree – I do not want to be a doormat either, so it is all about boundaries! Love all the empowerment on FB! Thanks – Rachel
Sing it, sister! Everyone deserves the power to say Yes or No. People who don’t allow you that don’t deserve to call you friend. There have been times when I’ve felt taken advantage of, and honestly, I would whine about it to one friend about another friend. Finally, I stopped and changed MY behavior, I did not lose the friends that I set limits with and it made us closer and me feel better.
I am definitely one of the gang of YES women. I have recognized my need to be true to me. It is so refreshing and such a welcome relief, better than a glass of champagne. Now I stand tall, and hang with the ones I want to be with. I speak my boundaries, and no longer waffle in the valley of fear & negativity. Joyful times indeed! I love love your writing Jillian, you have such a gift!
Jennifer Duchene
Home Makeover Mixtress blending lifestyle laughter and Diva Dens
http://LYShome.com
No and Yes are both so valuable to have access to — and the skill to know which is the right response and when! I find that I can most easily get to a confident No or Yes through my feelings or my body’s feedback–and when I do, nothing can dissuade me because I’ve already checked in with the most trusted source.
I am definitely learning this lesson. Whether it is saying yes or no I’m learning to be sure that my answer is based on what I want for my life and not on the ‘shoulds’ in my head. It is liberating to realize that my truth is reason enough. Thanks for having the courage to share your journey openly.
Darcie Newton
Wine not whine.
More nature than nurture.
Discipline for profit, none for triple cream brie.
http://www.mywealthspa.com
The power of knowing when to say Yes or when to say No has eluded me in the past, and I am still in the healing process from what I allowed in my life because I did not know my worth. I am thankful to God for how all those experiences have actually made me stronger, and yet also more understanding and accepting of other people in my life. What is really interesting is that I have watched my mom go through a real change over the last 10 years from being the quiet and always compliant wife and mother to being someone who woke up and grabbed what she wanted (becoming a published author) and has amazed everyone with her new found strengths and ability to take care of herself — she is still, however, one of the most caring and loving people I know! She has helped me by her example, too. I am aware that I still have the tendency to want to be the doormat, but I am learning and paying more attention to what I decide to do. I admire you, Jillian!
Jillian, thanks for sharing your Yes linchpin with us. I love that you’re seeing your friends and clients saying Yes so much. A while back I told myself No to playing insurance companies’ immoral games (painfully, slowly, not like how we take bandaids off). Now my practice is in a place of new Yeses. Yes to loving my office. Yes to deciding who needs what kind of treatment, and how much. Yes to answering my own phone and emails. Yes to a concierge/ VIP experience for every patient. Yes to having the time to hear about their grandkids, or view their vacation photos.
That happened today: a couple I treat went to Kenya on a photo-safari and I saw their picture of a striped mongoose. Didn’t even know such a thing existed! And the giraffes, and lionesses, and hippos… Certainly would have been anxious about taking the time to do that five years ago, when I was seeing ten times as many patients every day.
Great comments from this post! I have changed so many things in the last 6 months and my life totally looks different…I said YES to my new business in a big way and that meant NO to many other things that weren’t easy to let go of…but essential if I was to move forward. And, it is so worth it… 🙂 One of the things I said Yes to is quality time with my daughter each evening which means very few evenings out. It means I miss out on some social things with girlfriends but so worth it for the reward with my daughter. Now my girlfriends and I just catch up at other times… 😉
Brandy Mychals
Speaker, Author, Communications Coach
Creator of the Character Code System
Hi Jillian,
I enjoy reading your thoughts today. Thanks for pointing out the growing chorus of YES’s and NO’s all around us these days. I’ve been noticing it too, and as you point out, it’s not primarily about avoiding things that annoy, distract, or confine us. Instead, a lot of the clamor seems to be about embracing things that enhance, satisfy, or fulfill our dreams and our potential.
Back in the late 1970’s I was friends with Allan Jaffe, musician and business manager of Preservation Hall, in New Orleans. I’d get a kick out of hearing him tell people something like “What? What are my plans for retirement? But I haven’t started working yet!”. Same thing. Despite external hopes or expectations, his example helped inspire me to seize my dream and run with it, sure-footed and confident. Been a professional musician going on 37 years now, as long as I’ve been married, too. Hmmmm…
Robbie
This was great food for thought Jillian. I’m getting more and more practice in saying no when I really mean no and not just pretending to be nice. At the end of the day it doesn’t serve anyone. I loved what you said about people’s post on FB. I feel much more inspired to go and make a comment and share my experiences if the posts have a bit more depth and meaning for me. Saying yes in life and honouring myself in the process feels so good.
Fiona Stolze
Inspired Art and Living
http://fionastolze.com
Yes and no: like the Yin and Yang in life. We have to both for balance and somehow at various times in history or different eras in life one appears to be valued more than the other. Thx for the post! Karen~
Did you reach inside my head, my heart, my soul when you were writing this? How did you speak from your heart and yet speak RIGHT TO ME, right THROUGH me? How did you know this is what I needed to hear, to empower myself to follow through with what I know it is time for me to do? It is time for me, it is time for yes.
Yvonne Hall
http://www.facebook.com/wildforwildtree
My first business coach said to me one day, “Bill being nice is not your best quality.” For me , saying no is definitely a;earned trait. What I’ve found is that it is also like working out, you have to do it regularly to keep in shape.
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