I’m constantly inspired by Brené Brown’s work as a shame researcher. You may have seen her Ted interview about Wholeheartedness floating around Facebook, YouTube and the Ted site… After watching it about a hundred times, I got her most recent book, The Gifts of Imperfection—I HIGHLY recommend it. Her honesty and insight about what makes us vulnerable and our attempts at protecting ourselves from pain have given me a different perspective on what I’ve experienced in my life. In a recent interview, she said, “Often it’s hard for people to believe that someone in their life who is critical and rejecting of them is really suffering from their own shame (emphasis mine).”
That statement sent me back to an afternoon in April of 2006, when I visited my grandmother in her care home for the last time. She and I had a rocky relationship, to say the least: Hers is the voice I hear in my head when I am full of self doubt and criticism, the one that skews my view of myself when I look in the mirror…As a child and into my teens, I spent almost every weekend and most of my summers at her farm in the Central Valley of California. I loved spending time with the animals, especially the horses, oh, I miss the horses…What I didn’t love was the hateful way she spoke to me, telling me I would end up as big as a house, that I was ugly and unlovable. She would restrict food to the point of starving, then suddenly would switch to demanding I finish huge platters of steak, potatoes, whole milk and canned peas. Ugh, the thought of that just makes my stomach turn. It was the kind of abuse that leaves no marks on the body, but deep scars on the soul.
As a child, I had no way of putting her anger and hate into perspective. All I knew was that I wasn’t OK and that no matter what I did or said or what I looked like, it was never going to be enough for this woman I depended on for my well being when I was with her. As a teen and into adulthood, I fought hard for any amount of praise, collecting rare compliments and loving words like a squirrel collects nuts before winter, and was swayed by anyone who gave me the attention I craved. It made for many life choices I don’t think I would have made had I been given a different foundation.
As a means of self-preservation, I would steel myself against her, ready for more snide remarks (even my wedding day wasn’t immune, though I laughed off her attempts at ruining it). Instead of being flexible and resilient, it made me even more brittle and sensitive. So when I entered that care home two weeks before she died, I walked in with the intention of having an open heart, wanting to forgive her. I knew that if I couldn’t find some way of putting her into perspective, I would have a blind spot with my daughters they can’t afford to carry the weight of.
She was lying in bed, crying out for “that girl”. The nurse explained that her dementia had progress to the point that she was living at the time her sister died, around sixteen. I thought about the pain she must have felt, losing her favorite sister, was actually feeling again, the pain of a rejecting, crazy mother, the pain of losing a daughter at age four…it was unfathomable to me; I didn’t think I could bear it if I were her. I put my hand on hers, and told her, “Gram, I finally understand: If you had KNOWN what you were doing, you never would have done it. You were acting out of the horrible experiences you had. I forgive you. I forgive you.” Of course, she had no idea who I was, no idea I was even there, her eyes were turned inward to the drama she was reliving, but I know it helped me.
When it came time for her memorial service, I wrote a tribute to her about what I learned from her. Maybe I’ll be able to share it here someday. For now, let me say that I have learned from my experience of her is that it is important to examine where our self doubt, our self abuse tendencies come from and confront them, or we will forever be acting out because of them, damaging others around us. As women, as sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers and mentors, we must recognize the responsibility we have to each other, to lift each other up, heal the wounds that bind us. That way, we can be stronger together.
46 Comments
Wonderful post Jillian!
Oh boy – there’s always one post that makes me cry. My mum said a lot of damaging things to me growing up but I have learned to see that that was a pattern that comes from my Gran who lost my Auntie at age 17 after years of illness. All very sad to see these patterns of unintentioned abuse. I do find it hard to fully forgive my Mum for many things but then I feel guilt that I can’t quite let some of it go. I think I’m going to work on doing that when we go back to visit this summer. Thanks Jillian
Louise Edington
Finding YOUR Freedom
http://louiseedington.com
Jillian – I know I am supposed to write something but with tears streaming down my face, it is hard. I see your gorgeous pictures and can relate so much to your comments. Your ability to forgive is awesome and a blessing for you and your grandmother. I am glad you “grew up” to be such a strong and beautiful woman.
What a very moving post Jillian. I so understand now why you have been driven to bring out the beauty in other women, why it is such a passion for you. Through your chosen work you are surrounded by loving and supportive women at all times who see the compassion and love in you.
And there is an amazing synchronicity in this for me. Just a couple of days ago I sat down to try and remember the name of a brilliant woman speaker I had seen on Ted. I asked for some inspiration for her name. It was Brene Brown. There were a few things (in fact many) she said that struck a chord with me and I felt motivated to write about them. Thanks so much for making that connection for me.
Fiona Stolze
Inspired Art and Living
http://fionastolze.wordpress.com
Such a beautiful and moving post…I, too, relate to life stories of shame from others (who were likely experiencing their own shame). I truly believe death experiences with people can give us opportunities to heal, as it appears to have done for you. It also gives me more appreciation for what you do in bringing out beauty in people. That’s a gift that comes from your life experience. Thank you for such an open and memorable post.
Judy Stone-Goldman
The Reflective Writer
http://www.thereflectivewriter.com
Jillian, this is a beautiful story and you told it so open-heartedly. It is clear to me that a lot of healing has happened for you. I very much related to your pain and experiences as a child and teen with your grandmother. With me it was my mother and father. You are so right, it is their inner pain reflected outward. I’ve realized too that forgiveness was essential to my healing and that healing will continue for as long as I live for growth is an ongoing process; one I am so grateful for! Thank you for your honesty and beauty.
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://www.susan-berland.com
I always feel so sad when i read these posts but I cannot relate at all and so then i feel like “I am missing something important” My parents’ grandparents were always loving and supporting and even though were were poor working class, I never felt as though anything was missing in my life. Your story is so beautiful and moving and I am always thrilled to hear of someone coming out of adversity or pain and shining through. You have used your own personal moments to make all women feel beautiful which you may never have done had you not had those experiences with your gran. in that respect, she gave you a wonderful gift
Julie Labes,…The Fierce over 50 feels much younger point and click junkie loves to travel does not use a jogging stroller and before you ask this is NOT my granddaughter..Woman
Oh Jillian, the tears! Thank you for sharing such a personal & touching story that so many of us can relate to. What you are doing here is wonderful. Glad you were able to heal and have strived to help others on their journey. I am so happy you found this creative outlet and are able to give every woman the chance to feel beautiful, supported, and alive . It is an awesome gift. I totally agree that we need to lift each other up so we can be stronger together! I am with you (all)! Thank you so much for sharing AND for doing what you do everyday……giving women the courage to be themselves and to see their true beauty:)
Rita Brennan Freay
ritabrennanfreay@gmail.com
@Rita4kids
Thank you so much for your support and understanding of what I am doing, Rita! I apologize to everyone I made cry this week, though I am so glad it touched your heart.
Julie, I am actually so glad you CAN’T relate to much of this–too many of us do. Knowing that there are other types of experiences is so important! Yours is a great example of what it “should” look like.
Yes, Gram did give me many gifts, gifts I didn’t see until that day.
Susan, thank you so much for stopping by and for your sweet words of support and understanding. I’m so sorry you had a similar experience, but glad you have the perspective you do and are moving forward in healing. xoxo
Thank you, Judy, for such support. It really means a lot to me that I have been able to touch so many with this story. I hope that it can bring more healing opportunities to many more women. xoox
Fiona, thank you for your comments. I am so glad that I could be in sync with you and give you (remind you) of Brene’s name. She is an incredible woman, so inspiring. I have been helped greatly by her work.
Laurie-I’m sorry!! I didn’t mean to make you cry! 🙂 Thank you so much for your sweet words. Sometimes I find myself in the blame game with her, but it always comes back to that day, and I have to come back to forgiveness. I will live with the scars forever, but they don’t have to be picked open every day anymore. xoxo
Louise, I’m sorry, didn’t mean to make you cry, either! And I’m sorry you went through what you did.
To be quite honest, I don’t think I’d have forgiven her if I didn’t witness her in that state that particular day, so I figure she (and I) got lucky, in a weird way…
Don’t beat yourself up for not being at forgiveness, and *please* try not to beat yourself with the guilt stick. So not worth it–you have such an amazing gift you’re giving out in the world. xoxo
Jillian – I know you are not looking for pity, but first let me say that I’m sorry you had to go through that – no child should hear such hurtful words. Thank goodness you have found your way to healing and forgiveness, ending the cycle of abuse. What you know now that others who are not so lucky know is that holding onto anger and hurt for those who have hurt us only damages US further – it has no effect on them. It took a great strength and courage to get here today where you are surely helping others. Thank you for your willingness to share your story.
Pat Zahn, Photo Solutions Superhero
http://www.PhotoSolutionsSuperhero
Hi Jillian,
Thanks for this beautiful story! You so dramatically describe a powerful example of emotional healing through understanding and forgiveness. Interesting to consider how readily our emotional burdens pass from generation to generation, just like the DNA we inherit. So far at least, there’s little we can do to modify our own DNA, but you’re demonstrating how we can improve our own emotional baggage. Seldom easily, but it’s always possible.
Robbie
What a touching story. Thank God that you had a shift in your perception and were able to forgive your grandmother. I have learned that when I am feeling non-forgiving, it creates a block in my awareness; however, when I allow a shift in perception, that block is removed and I am then aware of love’s presence. To forgive takes a big person. Shifting our perception is no easy thing when something very mean has been placed in your road by someone that you may trust.
What an empowering tribute to your grandmother and all you learned from her. Your understanding and forgiveness gives you the power to change your life and the lives of your family. While no one deserves the kind of pain you endured, the lessons you gleaned will no doubt serve you throughout your life. When I understood how people tend to project their own fears and insecurities on others I gained the strength to offer forgiveness before anger.
Darcie Newton
Discipline for profit, none for jammy zins or memorable necklaces
http://www.mywealthspa.com
I’m sitting here, watching the cursor blink wondering what to type. I’m speechless. I’m touched. I’m hugging you from here. I’m in total agreement of lifting each other up regardless of where any of us have been before this moment right now.
Yvonne Hall
http://www.facebook.com/wildforwildtree
What a generous forgiving spirit you have Jillian and how gracefully you acted during your last visit with your grandmother and your understanding and compassion. Thank you for letting us be a part of such a poignant story. I am looking forward to hearing about your tribute and hope you share it one day.
I was reading a book by Dr. Brian Weiss (his books are so good they read like romance novels but are based upon his patients) who does fabulous work on past lives. I think it was from that book I learned the value of learning the important lessons we where brought here for otherwise we get to come back over and over until the lesson is learned.
Lisa Ann Landry
I’m an exuberant force of light… Come light up your life
http://www.imagedevelopmentgroup.com/speakers.html
I love love love Brian Weiss. So funny you mention him, because when I was in college, I had a huge argument with Gram about reincarnation, etc., and I told her about his books. Most definitely, we have to learn the lessons or we are “doomed” to repeat them.
Thank you so much, Connie. Maybe one day I’ll share it here; after you all have forgiven *me* for making everyone cry! xoxo
Thank you, Yvonne, for the hug. I can definitely feel it from everyone here. It was a stretch in the challenge of authenticity to share it, and I wasn’t sure what the reaction was going to be from everyone. I can’t say enough how much I appreciate the supportive comments. xoxo
Pat–thank you so much for your kind support. I never fully understood that concept that forgiveness stops the damage within US until much later. xoxo
Hi Robbie,
Thank you for stopping by and for your great comparison with DNA; it’s a very insightful comparison. 🙂
Rachell,
It is so true that we block ourselves from awareness when we hold on to the pain. I could just as easily carried on with the abuse had I not had the experience I did with her. Whew, at least one roadblock gone! xoxo
Yes, strength to offer forgiveness before anger–such a great habit to get into! xoxo
OMG! you are freaking me out! Do your hear the twilight zone music too?
Lisa Ann Landry
I’m an exuberant force of light… Come light up your life
http://www.imagedevelopmentgroup.com/speakers.html
What an amazing blessing that you are able to see with such insight and compassion what your grandmother was suffering and understand and forgive how she hurt you in such deep and painful ways. I believe that there is every possibility she did take in and hear what you said to her even if it was not outwardly visible; that her spirit received your forgiveness as the beautiful gift it was. I hope you will continue to share your experiences and what you have learned — as you said, we can be stronger together and that is what I believe Jesus meant too when He told us to love one another as we love ourselves — first, we must love ourselves, then we can love others; first we experience the pain, then we can reach out and show compassion to others. You have a compassionate heart and much to share that can be a healing balm.
Thank you Donna–I do believe that in some way she heard me that day. And if not then, then at her memorial when I said it again. Yes, we have to love ourselves, heal ourselves, and then we can reach out. xoxo
Better that than the “Psycho” music!
Thank you!
Wow, I’m feeling very strange right now. I too spent many weekends and almost all my childhood summers on my grandparents farm in the Central Valley of California. I also have an angry grandmother that used to tell me to get my fat ass out of the refrigerator and then feed us fattening food till we were stuffed, although it sounds like your situation was much worse. My grandma is still around and as bitter and angry as ever, very hard to be around.
I remember my great-grandmother, she was horrible to my grandmother, and I know enough about her childhood to know it was not pleasant.
I am sorry you endured what you did, it is not something any child should live through. But I am glad you seem to be coming to terms with it and I am really glad you shared it here because it is reminding me to take into consideration where my grandma is coming from.
Hmm, I thought your post had left me speechless, I guess not…
Lisa Vitale
http://lisawifemom.wordpress.com
We obviously have some “catching up” to do. Where in Central Valley? When? We may have crossed paths! How crazy.
My grandmother was also very bitter to the end; she only remembered the slights and hurts and disappointments in her life. It’s all she ever talked about. Another lesson learned: focus on the positive.
Thank you so much for your comments…You know where to find me! xoxo
I love this eloquent blog, Jillian. Not just eloquently written but coming from an elegance of heart. This is such a vital message for so, so many and I support you as a spokeswoman of it. What a difference in your life and in the life of your daughters for you to have taken the higher path.
Jillian you’ve touched my heart and so many others here too. God bless.
Thank you, Becky! xoxo
Thank you so much, Maridel. I always want to be sure my girls know how much they are loved, and to shield them from this type of experience. xoxo
What eloquence, Jillian of words and deed. Powerful & uplifting. I am at once dragged in and transformed with you. Our own flesh and blood spill their bitterness and pain like a rash, and we as children drink it in with shame & trust, believing “our betters” know better. Beating ourselves blind, so that we can measure up to the unmeasurable.
The most amazing part of the horror of your childhood, is the strength you have discovered within, to rise above your experience, and to find it within yourself to forgive and let go.
I have heard Brene Brown talk and am enraptured by her message. Our dirty little secrets really need to need to see the light of day, so they can no longer imprison us. I am so glad we live in an age when we can express our pain and share our truth.
Your daughters are blessed. Indeed every woman and child is too, by the opening of your heart . Thank you so much for sharing.
Jennifer Duchene
Home Makeover Mistress blending Lifestyle & Laughter
http://LYShome.com
Jen, you are making ME cry, too! You are such an enchantress with words. Thank you so much for the beauty you’ve expressed here; I am drinking it up with pride and love. xoxo
A very touching and moving piece. I appreciate how through your own experience you can make such a universal and compelling call for feminine healing. Thank you for your part in making us stronger together.
{{Big hugs}} to you Jill. That was a very emotional post to share and one I can definitely relate to. xoxo
Dear Cousin of mine,
There is so much we can share. The women in our family have been through so much. I honestly feel that generation had no idea what they were truly doing as they spoke to us. They were hardened by something, someone. It is so good to see you working through the influences we had placed in front of us. We have been going through those journeys on our own. We all had to learn to forgive these women who were to be our protectors. Our rocks. But in that forgiveness, they made us stronger. We now know we can rise above the tide knowing we are good enough. We are pretty enough. We are smart enough. And as long as we pass that to our children ( I only have sons, but there are girls all around who I call “Daughter”), we have survived and succeeded.
All My Love,
Marcianna
Jillian and Marcianna–
I loved reading this post from a family member. Thank you. So heartening to know these kinds of conversations are going on within families, including mine. My mother and I worked through some deep conflicts in the process of my writing her spiritual memoirs. She came from such harshness in the name of religion yet both of us have been able to find love and forgiveness in our lifetime. We are part of something much bigger than we know…
Comments are closed.